my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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