I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
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I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
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That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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