My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
