I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
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