apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
as a side note pls kill me
Randomize
