I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
