How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
