Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
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