He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
