Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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