You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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