I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
