I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
The ass gains better be worth it
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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