"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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