So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
