you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
