Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
