I can't watch pbs sober anymore
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
