Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
