Your face is a jimmy john
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
ugly people sure do ruin things
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He better not be in your backpack
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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