don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
