he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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