i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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