No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Randomize
