Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
