maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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