remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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