I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
