Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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