Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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