U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
high people should be assigned attendants
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
