Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
We were destined to go to rehab together
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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