I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
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