just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
