wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
