If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
