My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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