Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
