Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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