I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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