and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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