i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
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Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
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He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
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