Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
please come you make the beer taste better
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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