i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
