ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Randomize
