Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize