Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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