K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize