I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Randomize
