All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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