Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
