There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
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Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
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Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I'm like, not good at living.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
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