You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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