I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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