I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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