he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
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