just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
