My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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